Finding Alpha and Purpose In the Face of Fear

Originally published Mar 31, 2020 www.vibrantconnections.ca

I hesitated to put Coronavirus or Covid-19 in the title as goodness knows we’ve all been inundated with enough articles, memes, charts and quips about empty toilet paper shelves. I personally, in general, have a tendency to consciously shield myself from news media — mainly to refrain from exposure to sensationalism and/or fear-mongering. And yet, just over two weeks ago, when I went to the grocery store and saw the empty shelves of not just toilet paper, but tissue, canned soup,instant noodles, paper towel and cleaning products, it hit me:

Hype or not, SOMETHING is really happening here.

And the question I found myself pining to answer was not WHY or HOW — but rather:

What is this FOR?

My contemplation on this has been a deep exercise in actually choosing if I wish to see LOVE or FEAR.

By no means am I trying to make light of what, in actuality, IS very scary and very sad. People are dying. Yet it’s more a matter of what do I want to choose to motivate my actions in the face of this massive anxiety storm.

Who do I want to be in the midst of all this? And most importantly who do I wish to be for my kids in all this???

I hosted a parenting talk at my kids’ school right before everything started to get shut down, with developmental psychologist Deborah McNamara, PHD as the speaker. Despite the topic of the night being Bullying, she made a point of stopping to address the COVID-19 situation as it relates to our kids. Essentially, she reminded us that NOW more than ever is the time we need to be, as parents, a STRONG CARING ALPHA.

Our children need to know and look to us that regardless of what is swirling in the news, or amongst gossip from their peers, that they can count on us, their parents, to know “we got this” and lots of people are working to help others so the kids don’t need to worry too. It may seem like a bluff and yet, making a concerted effort to instil confidence in our kids that they just need to listen to us in order to stay safe is imperative to keep anxiety at bay.

My daughter S came home from her last day at school before Spring Break and pointedly said, “Mommy, I heard that it’s not just people who are old who will be impacted — it’s people like you with asthma that will be impacted too.” I could see the alarm in her eyes and hearing Deborah’s words ringing in my ears I put my bravest caring alpha stance on yet to reassure her, “I know what to do honey…mommy is careful and lots of people are helping each other…the grown ups got this.”

Then there was a sticky situation picking up S on her last day, when a joking mom yelled at me from her car, “Shouldn’t you be in quarantine?” I had only returned from a trip to Maui just two days before and S was standing right next to me. She tugged at my arm and asked, “What does she mean??” I explained how the government had only JUST ordered that day that anyone returning from out of country needed to go into quarantine. But again, as annoying as it is, it’s another way we can help to keep safe — it just means we need to avoid lots of crowds and big groups of people. She seemed to accept it but I felt as though I dodged another anxiety bullet.

Which leads me to return to my original question: what IS this FOR?

How might I choose to see the gifts in a situation that can/is so easily drawn into a fear-filled tornado?

For me, I’m choosing to see this as a unique opportunity in the world in which we’re being asked to press pause and self-isolate to be with our families and loved ones. That as inconvenient as it seems now, voluntary quarantine may be just what the universe ordered to return to self-care and reflection. It’s an enforced “retreat” .

And in this focus on self and immediate family there’s another choice to find joy or fall down an avalanche of negativity, boredom, and pessimism. My daughter lamented at the thought of not being able to “go anywhere” over spring break and I instead reminded her of the opportunity to do things close to home that she loved: walk/hike in nature; bake and craft; family game nights and impromptu dance parties.

Now, Spring Break is technically over however our kids will not be returning to school. Suspended indefinitely, we as parents find ourselves faced with a new challenge: to somehow homeschool our children. And yet, even in the face of this formidable challenge, I STILL see the benefit to families everywhere of what an opportunity this is. YES — a very challenging one (as many parents also are trying to work from home or are deemed essential services and actually still need to work) however an opportunity nonetheless.

Parents struggling to get their children’s attention and attachment back from their peers can win them back in this time while homeschooling. Parents may feel overwhelmed at HOW and WHAT to do with their kids — and yet, just like in dealing with the Coronavirus, it’s far easier to keep anarchy and chaos at bay so long as we as parent’s remember to stay Alpha. Even if we’re bluffing it. Finding the right routine and structure may very well be a trial and error exercise — just as it was for me, figuring out what to do with my son when I had him home with me the last 4 months. It’s also hard to say at this point what the school board’s answer to supported education at home will look like. Yet I have found that the developmental growth and recovery in my son the last 4 months by having him close has outweighed the delay in academics (which he will easily recover later when he’s ready).

We as parents need not see this time as a setback but rather a different season in our children’s development and growth.

I can almost here the protests from readers that this is not an easy task and not one that parents are ready to take on just yet with the immediate stress for many families over finances and employment. And in that case, I wish to say to those parents: focus on taking care of the essential needs of your family, allow your kids to just be kids at this time and leave the homeschool piece for later. Structure can be implemented by involving them to help with the day to day tasks — use the time instead to give them an education of a different kind: in common sense and life skills — in the process you’ll be taking pressure off yourselves to keep up with maintaining the household in an already immensely stressful time.

Finally — if you haven’t felt it already — this time is also FOR a test of faith. Faith in a friendly universe despite the overwhelming unknowns, faith in our own fellow humans to overcome this with kindness and compassion and faith that our world will me changed forever — for the better.

Originally published at http://vibrantconnections.ca on March 31, 2020.